you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
