I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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