I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
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Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
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After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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