If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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