i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
