I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
