our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
50% drunk capacity currently
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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