I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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