He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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