Already got asked if we're dating
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
