You work out of a Hotel?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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