i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
