don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
