Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
