Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
And my parents said I crawled through the house
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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