I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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