yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
