I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
