Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
