Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
