If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
