there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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