pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
