I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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