I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
