My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize
