Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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