What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
