Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
