My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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