True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
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Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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