My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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