If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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