i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
