happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
