I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
