my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My ass is underappreciated
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
