Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
