Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my shit smells like andre
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
