is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
