Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
