my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
