I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
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Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome