i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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