The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
