Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
