i think i have two assholes
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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