So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
it's like heaven, but drunker
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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