either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
