you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
