I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
