I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
