I just pynch a tree in the face
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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