I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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